Monday, January 6, 2014

Fishy Business

We kinda got two of our lessons mixed up today!
Earlier on was Religion. We were learning about the sacraments, including Matrimony. It’s always a tricky one. Obviously the Church’s stand is that you can only get married once, unless your spouse dies. But in the real world shit happens. Most of my pupils know someone who is with a second partner, so of course you don’t want to upset them. We discuss the fact that there are different circumstances that need to be taken into account.
Then onto Geography.
Much safer topic, or so I thought!
 We discussed the fact that the good old salmon swims back upstream in order to find “a partner” to mate with. Unfortunately our religion topic was still on some of their minds.
“But Miss, if fish only have a memory of 3 seconds, how can they remember who their partner is?”
“But salmon are fish, it’s not the same as humans. People stay with their partners for longer than 3 seconds.”
There was silence for a few seconds while they pondered this piece of information. Then a clever spark uttered
“Unless you’re talking about Kim Kardashian!”
There was no reply to that!

Friday, January 3, 2014

Why I'd never make a good Buddhist.

I was sitting on the sofa the other evening, kindly minding my own business, when suddenly a shadow sweeping across the room frightened the bejaysus out of me. I looked up to see a huge wasp flitting around the lightbulb.
"What on earth are you doing here? You're all supposed to be dead at this time of year?"
I watched it for a moment and realised that it was very doddery and was probably on its last legs/wings.
Now a teacher's first instinct is to swat and kill any wasps that she sees. It cuts down on the screams and roars of her pupils in the classroom and also any potential stingings and subsequent insurance claims.
However I was feeling very relaxed and kind and so I channelled my inner Buddhist.
You shall not hurt another living creature, not even a fly.
I decided that it wasn't long for this world anyway and was about to pop its clogs of natural causes any moment now.
I headed off to the bathroom to run myself a nice bubble-filled tub.
I was just about to step into it when I felt something brushing my shoulder. I looked down to see the feckin' huge wasp crawling all over me. I froze for a minute, afraid to startle it and be stung. Then with a flick of my wrist I swished it off and it landed into the frothy waters of the bath. It struggled for a moment, little legs flailing around and then it went still.
Now I've seen enough scary movies to never trust a seemingly dead body in a bathtub. Nine times out of ten, it will rise up out of the waters and continue to wreck havoc.
So I got a wad of toilet paper, scooped up the corpse and flushed it down the toilet. It is currently on its way to the Irish Sea.
All that trauma would have been avoided if I had killed it the first time, like any decent Christian would have!

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

New Year Resolutions

You know me and my self-help books. Well I've just read a new one. In fact it's so good I've read it twice. It's called
Younger Next Year for women
written by Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge M.D.
From the outset they make it very clear that it is not about looking younger. Our skin will age, get over it! But it is about being functionally younger.
They say that by following a couple of rules you can avoid 70% of the normal problems of aging and eliminate 50% of illness and injury. Of course genetics and bad luck still have a say in our future but you can still stack the odds heavily in your favour.
So what are these golden rules.
1. Exercise six days a week for the rest of your life.
2. Quit eating crap.
3. Connect with people. We are after all pack animals and not designed to be on our own.
4. Have passions in life. Get out there and do stuff.

All sounds very wise and do-able. So I guess these are my New Year resolutions for 2014.
One of the most inspirational parts of the book was an interview with an active 96 year old woman. When she was asked if she had any regrets she replied.
"I wish I hadn't thought I was old when I reached 80!"

So tune in this time next year to see if it worked!