Thursday, April 25, 2013

Getting my priorities right.

This will be a very busy weekend for me. I have Confirmation tomorrow, followed by a hen night in Westport.
Today was hectic in school. Like Santa, I made a list and I checked it twice
actually I think I may have checked it three or four times.
  • picture of our new pope
  • candle
  • confirmation cards
  • booklets
  • camera
check, check, check.
The minute the bell rang I dismissed the class and they raced out the door. I picked up my cardboard box of tricks and headed in the same direction. I was met by my principal who was carrying the phone.
"It's for you", he mouthed. "Father X."
I deposited my box of tricks on the floor.
"Hello?" I said, wondering what was coming next.
"Noeleen," he said, "Can you bring the refreshments to the church now?"
Normally, I would be passing by the church on my way home and this would not be a problem....but not today.
"Eh, no I can't," I replied.
"Why not? What are you doing?"
I paused, wondering what I should answer.
Oh feck it, tell the truth and shame the devil!
"I have an appointment to get a spray tan in Mullingar at 3.30. I haven't time to go that way."
"A what???. Is that important?"
"Oh Father, that's such a "boy" thing to say! You have to prepare your body as well as your soul for these events!"
My colleague, once she had stopped laughing, loaded up her car and deposited the goodies in the church as I sped off to be sprayed.
Now I'm sitting here knowing I'm due a slagging tomorrow!
What do I want to be tomorrow? Tanned.....so check!

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Proud as punch

There are days when I think
What the hell am I doing in this job? I can't do it.
And other moments when I think
Yesss! I've done something right.
Today was the latter.
I went to my sister's after school instead of heading home. Confirmation practice was on in the church this evening and if I went home it would have been just to turn around and come back. As we were sitting in the kitchen there was a knock at the front door. A teenager stood there, trying to flog a few raffle tickets for his secondary school.He looked at me, his eyes opened in recognitition and he uttered the immortal words
"Miss! What are you doing here?
Yep. This six foot strappin' fella had looked up to me (physically) only a few years ago.
We had the expected conversation of how he was getting on in "big" school, what subjects he was studying and what his Baconstown classmates are up to now.
He went to leave, thought of something and turned back.
" Miss, just to let you know I'm in a musical in Kilcock next week. I used to love your Drama classes and so I auditioned and got a part. Thanks."
My heart near burst with pride. I couldn't have been prouder if he said he was becoming a doctor/astronaut/president.
At least one of my students has discovered the world of drama because of me.
My work here is done!

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Happy 21st "son"!

Ah bless, they grow up so fast! One minute they are mere babies and the next they are wrecking havoc on the world. I am so proud of my "son" the Sheriff of Rottingham on reaching his milestone birthday and getting the key of the castle.



Oh hold on a minute, I got carried away. Happy 21st Brian!


Monday, April 15, 2013

Supergran

I was told this story at the weekend by the granny .

The lady in question was bringing her 6 year old granddaughter for a drive. She was very conscious of the precious cargo she was carrying in her little car, so she was taking her time.
Her granddaughter turned to her in exasperation and said,
"Granny, if you go faster, I'll hang on for dear life!"
Gorgeous.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Terminology

A friend of mine brought her daughter to see Mullingar Arts Centre's production of "Miss Saigon".
On the way home, she asked her what she thought of it.
"It was brilliant.....but I didn't like the way they kept calling the little boy "a bastard". Why did they do that?"
Seizing the teaching opportunity, Mum explained,
"You see, the original meaning of "bastard" was a child who is born outside of marriage."
"REALLY? I didn't know that."
Moment's pause.
"So.....what's a "bollocks"?

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Horror of horrors

To my neighbours who saw me at 7.45am, clambering up a ladder and pinning a disposable glove to the eave of my house,
I CAN EXPLAIN!
15 minutes earlier.
I was in the sitting room, eating my breakfast while watching the morning news when I heard a sound that chilled the very blood in my veins. The sound of a bird.....a very close bird. I froze with the spoon mid-way to my mouth and listened again. Oh holy mother of God, it sounds like TWO birds and it seems to be coming from the kitchen.
Those who know me, are aware of my phobia about all things feathered. In fact those cursed birds don't even have to alive. My mother had to take the ornamental robins off the Christmas wreaths when I was a child as I couldn't stay in the same room as them.
The thought that a bird/birds had gotten into my house was churning my stomach.
However it had to be investigated.
Trying to prevent the bile that was rising to my mouth, I slowly opened the kitchen door.
Nothing. I paused. Suddenly the noise crescendoed. Where was it coming from? It seemed to be inside, but there was no intruder.

I opened the patio door and saw two birds fly out of the air vent that was leading into my kitchen. No wonder it sounded like it was coming from inside.
The little f******s were building a nest!!! Over my dead body!
My dad was an animal lover and he once built a house around a bird's nest to prevent the nestlings from dying,
http://www.nols-agirlforallseasons.com/2011/11/bird-in-hand.html
Sorry Dad, that ain't gonna to happen here. If the eggs had already been laid, then I couldn't have hurt them. I'd have had to move out til they had hatched and flown away. But I still had time. Nest was still under construction.
I surveyed the kitchen to see what I could use. I espied a disposable glove on the sink. Perfect.
So, dear neighbours, that explains why I was putting the flapping glove next to the air vent, in the hope that it would prevent the birds from returning.
But it doesn't explain why the mad woman was taking a photo of it!


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Sure a change is as good as a rest.

I was returning back to my classroom with the next door teacher. She came in as I was returning something that I had probably "borrowed" from her months ago. My class looked up when they saw her and said
"Oh is Ms. X going to teach us today?"
"Why? Would you like her to?"
There were murmurs of agreement.
Then one bright spark announced
"Yeh. It would be just like "Wife swapping"!

I sincerely hope that he was referring to
WIFE SWAP: The TV programme in which the matriarchal figures swap families for two weeks, running the new family according to their own differing rules.
as opposed to
WIFE SWAP: "Throw your keys into the bowl on the table and see what you pull out!!!"

Monday, April 8, 2013

Weighty issue

It was with much intrepidation that I stood on the bathroom scales this morning. The digits raced up and up....and up.
WTF! How on earth could I have put on half a stone in two weeks!!! Oh wait a minute....
  • Swimming pool wasn't open, so no exercise
  • Freshly made bread served with EVERYTHING
  • Chocolate
  • Lunch served on the beach
  • Dinner out every night
  • Cocktails
  • More cocktails until stupid o'clock
You mean that's ALL I put on. Happy days!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I can go nowhere!

"What are those things up in the sky? Clouds, surely not?"
When I woke up this morning it was overcast. How dare it! It not being the weather for lying on the balcony reading, I decided to catch the bus into the neighbouring town of Alanya.
Mid shopping I went into a restaurant for a wee break. As I was sitting down I could see the waiter looking quizzically at me.
What's his problem?
He came over to take my order. After I spoke he asked the usual.
"Where you from?"
"Ireland"
"I know you."
WTF? Those damn fliers of all my hairstyles that Ibrahim put in various phone boxes! I can go nowhere!!!
http://www.nols-agirlforallseasons.com/2011/08/call-girl.html
"I work in Ally's Bar in Mahmutlar for many years. I know you."
Phew. Or is it? Which is worse-to be recognised because of your photo in a phone box, or because you frequent dens of iniquity?
The usual pleasantries were exchanged.
My phone binged with a message. It was from the women saying that they were thinking of heading into Alanya, and did I want to go?
"Too late. I'm already here!"
I am so thankful that they came in.
After all a Princess can't be expected to carry all her own purchases....now can she?

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Free falling!

You know the way I said earlier this week that I try to learn one new skill every year? Well check this out to see what myself and Roxy will be getting up to once I get home!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oF-XxjrB-I0
Bring it on!

Princess-in-waiting

I don't know what it is about Turkey but we tend to lose the run of ourselves. Maybe its because it so far removed from our everyday routine that we tend to actually believe that anything could happen here. Nothing will ever top "The Best Wedding-ever" that we had  a couple of years ago.
http://www.nols-agirlforallseasons.com/2010/07/big-phat-turkish-wedding.html
This time, I didn't realise that the two women had "let it slip" to someone that I was really a princess. Under no circumstances was anyone to mention it to me as I was here incognito, and was trying to have some semblance of a "normal life". I finally twigged what was happening when I got this note!

Of course it has become the running joke of the holiday. I was even given my own special cup!

I was really getting into character and getting used to the royal life. Then Paula decided that I was becoming too Princessey and it was time that I was brought back to reality! She sent me this picture to remind me of what Princesses end up looking like...
Buzz kill!

Monday, April 1, 2013

Sour grapes

How would you rate this on a scale of annoyance?

A few weeks ago I heard about a horse owned by far out relatives which was going to run in a race.
"I must back that", I said to myself....and promptly forgot about it.
Here I am having far too good a time in Turkey, when I get the news from home.
"Well did you back that horse?"
"No, I forgot. Why?"
IT'S ONLY GONE AND WON THE GRAND NATIONAL AT 50-1.
To say I am a tad upset is an understatement. I think I'll have to go out and drown my sorrows.
Well done Liberty Counsel.
Bah humbug.