Wednesday, October 31, 2012

It's a boy!

I have been inundated with queries about my friend Sinead, who came out to dinner with us on Saturday night, despite being in the early stages of labour. Well it seems the hospital was right and she had LOADS of time because baby has just arrived....on Wednesday!
Huge congratulations to Sinead and Karl on the birth of their 9lb 1oz baby son.
No name announced as yet but I'm thinking.......Goliath!

A truely scary Hallowe'en story

Today was one of those days.
I was in Mullingar at the ungodly hour of 8.45 as Roxy was having her timing belt changed.
I think I could do with that myself!
I then had a few hours to myself until she was ready. As I walked down the street I passed my beauty salon and thought
Ah ha! I could do with getting my legs waxed! That would pass a bit of time.
As luck would have it they could fit me in, within the hour.
In passing I told my beautician that I was killing time while my car was in the garage, She started to laugh and said that it was amazing the number of frantic calls she got from clients looking for an emergency massage or facial while their car was next door! Unfortunately they were never from men!
I suggested that herself and the garage should go into partnership  and have a two-for-one deal on all services!
Wax on, wax off!
When I came out I saw that I had a missed call from an unknown number. I rang back.
"Hello", replied an unfamiliar Northern accent.
" I have a missed call from this number."
"Oh yes. I am the courier from DHL. I have a package for you from Next and I was looking for directions to your house. Unfortunately that was an hour ago. I am no longer in Raharney."
"Sorry about that. I am in Mullingar."
"Really. Where abouts?"
"Eh, outside Benetton!"
"Jaysus. Look at McDonald's across the street."
I did, and OMG! There was the DHL guy in his little yellow and red suit, waving across at me! He leaned into his van, took out a parcel, raced across the busy street and handed it to me.He then turned on his heels and raced back. I stood there open-mouthed.
What are the chances of that happening?
It was just plain FREAKY, even for Hallowe'en.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Guess who's coming to dinner....

Last night Fiona, Clare and I headed out for dinner.

After the main course Fiona's phone beeped.
"That's Sinéad. She's going to join us for dessert."
"But isn't her baby due around now??? Should she be coming out?"
"She's bored stiff sitting around waiting for something to happen. She won't stay long."
Sinéad promptly arrived, looking radiant. After the first few opening queries about her health, she dropped the bombshell.
"Technically speaking, I'm in labour at the moment."
"Don't panic. I'm only having the odd contraction and I'm only 2cm dilated. The hospital told me it can take days yet."
I've seen enough episodes of Home and Away to know that's NOT how it happens. Someone's waters break and the next minute, after a short bout of screaming and writhing, the baby is born. Right?
We looked at her, opened mouthed for a moment. But she seemed perfectly calm, so we figured there was no point in us panicking! We did, however, contemplate telling the staff to get some towels  and boiling water ready, just in case. After all, if the baby did decide to suddenly appear, we'd all need a cup of tea, wouldn't we?
Clare was very helpful and channelled the baby's energy through Reiki.
Personally speaking, I'd be more like...

Fuck that Reiki. GIVE ME AN EPIDURAL......NOW!

I bet the staff were glad to see the back of us!

Saturday, October 20, 2012

You've got mail!

I was feeling a little intimidated as I had to attend a meeting with doctors, nurses, psychologists and suchlike. They were running a little late when I arrived at the clinic and invited me into the kitchen for some lunch. I thanked them but explained that I had just finished my lunch in school before I set out. There was a knock on the window and suddenly plates of salad, meat and freshly baked bread rolls appeared in from next door! It seems that this is the way they get their lunch every day.
Novel, to say the least.
Needless to say, I changed my mind and joined them. Well, it would have been rude not to!
Oh please God. Don't let them have an intellectual conversation over lunch. I can't cope!
I needn't have worried. Lunchtime banter started.
One of the doctors was recounting a story told to to him by a colleague.
It seems his mother, who was in her 70's had decided that it was time she entered the technological age. She purchased a laptop and was learning to send e-mails and google. Her son had set up a
Hot mail account for her.
One day he received a distraught phone call.
"GET HERE QUICK! Get these things off my computer." Wail.
"What's wrong mother? What happened?"
It seems that she got slightly confused about what to do and had typed "Hotmail" into google to open her account. Only spelling wasn't her strong point and she had in fact typed in
The photos that were downloaded were...em, interesting to say the least.
I hope this really happened but in my version, she actually knew full well what she was typing in!
Ah yes, 50 shades of Grey has a lot to answer for!

Monday, October 15, 2012

I'm freefalling.

Today we were discussing Fearless Felix's freefall from 24.5 miles above the Earth. We were looking at various reports on the event. One piece of information given was
"A tiny error could have resulted in his blood boiling and his brain exploding."
There was a collective intake of breath, followed by the comment...
"Well, I wouldn't call that a tiny error!"
And come to think of it......neither would I!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

I love Beatrice!

After the weeks of debauchery in Turkey I returned home somewhat more rotund than I left. It was time for the "Cop yourself on" diet plan. However, no matter how I tried I couldn't get myself into the zone.
Then one of my friends told me about a personal trainer that she had gone to and had worked miracles on her.
"I could do with a miracle. Give me her number....quick!"
So that is how I met up with Beatrice. I was weighed and measured. My targets were recorded.
What? I haven't been that since I was 15!
An exercise programme was written up for me and with my diet sheet in my sweaty little hand I set off for home.
Daily exercises followed and each week I returned to be reweighed and measured. I felt like one of my pupils standing in front of her, knowing that she would soon realise whether I had done my work or not. Beatrice believes in tough love.
"  Well done on that weight loss.......but I feel you could do better. Let's increase the number of boxers, twist jumps, alternative knee lifts etc etc etc that you are doing."
Is it worth it?
This is a photo of me taken five weeks ago.

And this is me now.

Same dress, but many many inches smaller and a dress size down.
Oh Beatrice, how I love you!!!!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Cinderella, eat your heart out!

In the 1970's Tupperware parties were all the rage. Women of all ages came to a friend's house and drooled over plastic containers for salad, freezing dinners and other inexplicable uses. I was never at one myself but I still remember the excitement in our house when Mammy came home from one moulds!
Oh the euphoria over filling them with diluted Miwadi, placing them in the freezer and sitting waiting from them to be ready.
Ah, those were simple times!
Times have moved on and now, us women go to....
Shoe and Handbag parties!!!!
My niece Lauren held one last night. I was a bit late going, as usual, but the minute I went in, I espied my babies. Everyone else had passed them by and said
"Oh wait til Noeleeen gets here. She'll love them."
They know me so well.
And yes, those are real spikes! I have no idea where I will actually wear them but they would come in fierce handy at a crush at the bar. Bet I'd get served first!

Monday, October 1, 2012

Going to pot

Monday morning in class usually begins with Newstime. One of the lads was telling us all about a girl who won the Lotto in America last year but has died of a drugs overdose. This led to a little pep talk on the fact that money doesn't always buy happiness, and also on the dangers of drugs.
Next girl announced
"My granny won 150 euro at Bingo on Saturday night!"
There was silence for a moment and then the pearls of wisdom.....
"Make sure she doesn't start on de drugs!"
Ah, it nearly makes Monday morning bearable!