Monday, August 20, 2012

Arty Farty.

Congratulations to my nephew Niall for getting his place in Art college in Limerick.  Maybe now he'll learn to draw properly!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Generation Game

Recently I was clearing out my drawers in the classroom
I mean my cupboards, tut tut
I found a  book that had the following message scrawled on the front page in a childish scribble
Belongs to Mary Smith*. If found please return to owner.
* obviously not her real name!!!
Without batting an eyelid I turned and handed the book to one of my current pupils and said
"John, would you mind giving that to your mother and telling her that I'm sorry I kept it so long!"

Yes, I was teaching the son of a girl I had taught many years ago. I started teaching in Baconstown about twenty ahem years ago. I haven't been there all that time. I worked abroad for several years and I was out and about doing drama inservice courses with teachers for other years. Like a boomerang I keep returning and until I find a better school with nicer kids and colleagues, there I will stay!
People look at me incredulously when I tell them I am into my second generation of pupils.
"But you look far too young and pretty to be doing that!" they retort.
OK, I may have put my own slant on that comment!
I explain that I was, in fact a child prodigy, and started my teaching career at an impossibly young age. Some of them have raised a quizzical eyebrow in doubt.
So I have searched through my drawers again, but in my house this time and found a photo of me on my first day teaching. Honest!

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Reality bites

After arriving home early yesterday morning on the red-eye flight I managed to last until 9.30pm. Then I collapsed into bed in my new purple-themed bedroom. I slept like a baby.
Hold on a minute, does that not mean I would have woken up every two hours screaming for food?
What I mean is that I never budged in the bed until 10 this morning.
I awoke fresh and rested with a......
Brand new mosquito bite!!!
Honestly, there is one of those ugly red ones filled with pus on my leg. It definitely wasn't there yesterday. Some evil little f***** stowed away in my luggage, managed to survive the long flight, 12 hours in the Irish climate and then with its last gasping breath sunk its fangs into my juicy leg.
Oh wait, maybe I'm mixing a mosquito up with a vampire!
Lauren, any chance you could get me a lilac mosquito net, just to be on the safe side!

Monday, August 13, 2012

It's curtain time!

As the plane descended into Dublin, I looked down on the patchwork of fields that lay beneath me.
40 Shades of Green.
When I got out of the airport I looked up at the overcast sky.
50 Shades of Grey.
Ah yes, I was well and truly home. I was warding off the post-holiday blues by thinking about all the things I have to look forward to in the coming weeks. The one thing that was getting to me was my curtains, or rather the lack of them.
Before I skedaddled off to Turkey for a month I had undertaken a DIY project, namely redecorating my bedroom. I had painted the walls, steamed the carpet and rearranged the furniture.

 I had bought new duvet and cushions. I had also bought new curtains but I hadn't gotten round to sending them off to get black-out lining. I can't sleep if there is as much as a glimmer of light. I was also thinking about how I was going to get the old curtains off the curtain pole. Dad had done all that for me the last time. He had welded the pole together and I couldn't remove it.
It just would have been so much nicer to spend my first night home in my newly decorated bedroom instead of trying to clamber into the guest room among the bags and cases.
With a slightly heavy heart I dragged my cases in behind me into my house.
"Hi Honey I'm home!"
No answer. Oh drat, that's right. I'm single!
I opened my bedroom door......and did a double take. There, proudly hanging in place were my now fully lined curtains.

Not only that, but there were several matching accessories that I hadn't purchased.

I will be honest. I sat on the bed and cried. Not because I was so depressed to be home but because someone had gone to huge effort to surprise me on my return.
A few phone calls later I discovered who was responsible.
My niece, Lauren. She had brought away my curtains to be lined, did a bit of shopping and broken into my house to sort things out.
All the stories mention the kindness and good deeds of Fairy Godmothers but I have my very own Fairy God Daughter.
As I looked around I thought
OK, so this isn't Turkey but do you know what, it's........

Saturday, August 11, 2012

The grass is always greener......

This heat is not all its cracked up to be. People think I have the life of Reilly lounging by the pool by day and carousing by night. But this life has its downside, believe me.
Don't you just hate it when your strawberry daiquiri melts in the heat before you have time to drink it?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

If the price is right....

Last night found us in the recently opened  night club. Late into the night we were joined by the owner of the premises. It was like a scene from an old gangster movie. He was surrounded by his security who were at his beck and call. We were lapping it well as the free drinks.
We were having what I would consider to be a very normal and civilised conversation about things like, how my holiday was going, what I thought of Turkey, was I married......
This is when I trot out my imaginary husband, Hugh and my two adorable children, Rory and Sadhbh whom I love very much!
He then came out with the classic line,
"I will give you 1000euro for an hour of your time."
I wasn't sure if he had said euro or lira. I mean a girl needs to know her worth!
Regardless of currency I declined his generous offer, explaining that I was "not that kind of girl".

I have been mulling over his offer in the cold light of day.
Actually, its 39 degrees and I'm in a bucket of sweat, but you know what I mean!
What is the going rate for a prostitute these days?
I don't know whether I should be flattered or insulted by his offer. I know it wasn't anywhere near Robert Redford's million dollar temptation to Demi Moore, but it still seems like a very generous amount for an hour.
And being a Primary School teacher, my major concern is
"Would this count as one of my Croke Park hours???"

On the other hand you would have to ask yourself
"Would I be worth 1000 euro an hour?"
Of course we all like to think that we are good in that department and we all have a few signature moves, but really........1000euro? Could you imagine your embarrassment if he asked for a refund due to faulty goods.
Ah well, despite all the cutbacks and Universal  Social charges I have not been reduced to selling myself just yet.
 However after the next budget I might regret declining his offer!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

A menu with a difference!

For all you Desperate Singletons out there
and I include myself in that number
can I suggest that you get yourself down to Mojitos and suss out number 23 on their cocktail menu?

Waiter: Good evening. And what do you want?
Me: I wanna "Bloody Marry" someone.....and make it snappy!!!

Monday, August 6, 2012


My favourite part of the day has been getting ready for a night out. I love the whole primming and preening. My nightly routine for the past month has consisted of
  • a shower to wash off all the various suncreams I have applied during the day
  • reapplication of a similiar amount of Aftersun creams
  • painstakingly  put rollers into my hair or twist myself into a knot trying to create a bun, or alternatively
  • nip across the road to Ibrahim and let him work his magic on my hair.
  • pick out the outfit I wanted to wear that night, making sure to coordinate clothes, shoes, bag and jewellery
  • apply make up with the precision of a makeup artist on Paris Fashion Week
  • Nightly photo shoot to record the results, so I can look back over them on a cold wintry night when I'm snowed into my house again.
Yes, I do love doing that......until tonight!

8:00pm and I was still stretched out on the couch, contemplating the arduous mission ahead of me.
I can't do it! I can't be bothered. I wonder what I have in my wardrobe that is comfy and can be co- ordinated in a minute and doesn't take any work?
Ah ha! I have that new outfit I bought in Alayna yesterday. Perfect!

Just for the record, I didn't really wear that. I'd have melted in the heat......and everyone would have wondered who was this imposter!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Stressful times.

It's one mad whirlwind every evening. So much to be done, so little time. No wonder I get totally stressed! I mean, I have to shower after lounging by the pool, do my hair, catch up on Facebook and generally beautify myself.
Thank God that as a woman I can multitask!

7:30 PM

8:30 PM

Friday, August 3, 2012


We were sitting in Foley's the other night when we heard an unmerciful smash of glass. There were the usual guffaws and wise cracks of
"Oops. Someone's dropped their contact lens."
But when we saw the waiters rush around in a panic, we realised that something serious had happened. One of the bartenders was bundled into a car, with serviettes wrapped around his hands, drenched in blood and off it sped.
We called over Mustafah to ask what had happened.
A glass had broken while the barman was cleaning it, cutting his hands in bits.
"God that's awful. Will he be all right?"
"No problem. He will be stitched and back here in 15 minutes."
"15 minutes? I doubt he'll be seen to in that short space of time."

It was 20 minutes later that he reappeared, all stitched and sorted.
I couldn't believe it! I'm tellin' ya. If, God forbid, anything happens to me that I need hospitalisation, I'm going to fly over to Turkey for treatment. It'd be quicker than going to A&E in an Irish hospital!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Letter to Finian and Marese

Dear Finian and Marese,
First of all can I just say how grateful I am to have the use of your apartment over the past few weeks. Being able to stay here allows me lap up the sunshine during the day and then go out wining and dining every night. It's hard to believe I am on Day #21 already.
I would just like to point out one little issue I have with the apartment. I have noticed over the past few nights that my clothes are becoming tighter and tighter until last night when I was bet into my skirt.
Now I am sitting here with a cuppa tea and a nice bar of chocolate, racking my brains trying to figure out what has happened. And there is only one possible cause.
Your washing machine!
Obviously it has a fault that is causing my clothes to shrink and shrink. I suppose leaving them out to dry in the sunshine doesn't help either.
So if you wouldn't mind sorting that little problem out, it would be great!
Many thanks again,

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Mahmutlar's Next Top Model

We headed off to the Dim Cayi. This is a restaurant built across the River Dim. The little booths are right in the middle of the river and you can sit with your feet dangling in the flowing water. As it is near the river's source in the mountains the water is.freezing.
No, seriously, I mean FREEZING! It's like needles sticking into you. But oh so refreshing.

As we were sitting watching the world go by, we noticed two guys on the river bank. It soon became obvious that it was a proper photo shoot
As opposed to the one I enforce on everyone who stays with me in the apartment!
I have many Turkish male "friends" on Facebook and I have noticed that they all have professionally taken photos. Obviously it's the done thing.
The guys realised that they were being watched and waved over. Of course I waved back. It'd be rude not to!
I didn't bargain on them beckoning me over to have my photo taken! The "model" came racing across the gangway to our booth, held out his hand and asked if I'd get my photo taken with him!
Granted I felt a little sorry for him. I bet he thought I was some young one from a distance and got the shock of his life when he got up close! Bless him.
Fair dues to him, he never batted an eyelid, but escorted me over to the "set".
Now little did he know that I'm a professional at this sort of thing by this stage!

By this time I'd say that I am starring in a promotional for some dodgy website that helps young Turks get a visa by snaring an older woman. But hey, that's nothing new to a woman whose photo can be found in telephone kiosks!