Sunday, July 8, 2012

The graveyard shift


Definition of shift

verb

·         move or cause to move from one place to another, especially over a small distance: [with object]: a team from the power company came to shift the cables away from the house

·         each of two or more recurring periods in which different groups of workers do the same jobs in relay: Anne was on the night shift

·         a slang term used by Irish teenagers in the 1980s, meaning a brief romantic encounter with a member of the opposite sex, usually occurring after a youth club disco at the back of the hall:

He was a great shift   or

Did you get a shift last night?
This is the conclusion to my chance encounter in the graveyard at my godfather's funeral. I was recounting my story to my cousins who were all agog, gasping phrases like
"Oh my god. That's sooo romantic!"
"That's a new one."
It was only when one of them asked what his name was, that I had to think.
"Em, I just got his first name. It was Bob*
*His name has been changed to conceal his identity.
Niamh's face went pale and she said
"Was he a tall, dark-haired attractive man, wearing a navy jacket?"
"Yes."
Her face fell and she said
"Noeleen, he's MARRIED. I see him leaving his kids at school while I'm dropping my girls off."
"What??? Are you sure?"
"But maybe he is separated. I don't know."
Alarm bells had been ringing in my head anyway because it all seemed too good to be true. He was so smooth at what he did, it was obviously not the first time he had done so. All I can say to any potential philanderers out there is........
Don't pick a Primary school teacher as a potential victim especially if you have kids of a school going age. We have a network of contacts as potent as the Mafia. As there are only three training colleges in the country we have at least one connection in every school. If your children are in Second class or lower, we probably even know the state of your marriage. Younger kids tell their teachers everything without us wanting to know. Two examples from my early teaching days are
"Miss, Mammy came home and found Daddy in bed with the babysitter."
"Mammy and I had great fun at the weekend writing Daddy is a B-A-S-T-A-R-D on the mirrors with her lipstick. What does that spell?
So I rang my friend who teaches in that school. I recounted my story to her, leaving out the important detail of his name.
Let's face it, it is a great story!
She was squealing with excitement. Then I dropped the bombshell of his name. There was silence down the other end of the line followed a squeal of horror.
"OH MY GOD! Stay a million miles away from him. He's married."
"Not separated?"
"Well if he is, he hasn't told his wife! She'll kill you."
"Hold on a minute. It's him she should be killing. I wasn't the one leap-frogging over tombs and family vaults to get a phone number. I'm the innocent party here."
To say I was livid is an understatement. How could anyone be so blatant as to come on to me, in his own village graveyard? He had to have been spotted by his neighbours getting my number. Another B-A-S-T-A-R-D!
To further add to the drama, I had five missed calls from him that evening plus a number of texts saying how much he was looking forward to meeting up. Even if he had been ever  so single, that would put the fear of God in any woman. We're raging when men don't ring us....and put off when they ring too much! Confusing or what?
I suddenly decided that I was going to win a moral victory for all wronged women. I answered his next call. There was a bit of small talk and then he asked when we could meet up. I explained that I was heading away for the weekend and wouldn't be back until Sunday. He said
"Great. I'll head over to Raharney to meet you."
I see what you're doing there. You figure you won't be recognised in my local.
"Well actually I will be heading over to your area to visit my cousins. I'll meet you there."
Let's see how you get out of that.
"Hmm, I think it would be nicer to meet in town as there are better places there."
Back-pedal, back-pedal.
"Give me a call on Sunday and we'll decide then."
I wanted to give him a few nights of rubbing his hands in anticipation, thinking he had fooled some poor unsuspecting female into dating him.
Today he rang....and I was prepared.
"Hi there. Where are we going to meet? I'm so looking forward to it."
"Actually, I don't want to meet you, so might I suggest that you spend some quality time with your wife and sons. I'm sure they could do with it. DON'T contact me again as I am not interested in married men."
CLICK.
I know that mobile phones don't actually CLICK when you hang up. I put that in for dramatic effect, so show just how irate I was!
No further contact has been made.
The next time someone asks me why I'm still single, I am just going to direct them to this blog and say
See for yourself!




3 comments:

  1. Looks like ur godfather did give u a present a chance to give the opposite sex a piece of your mind! Go girl

    ReplyDelete