Thursday, June 28, 2012

Reason #1: Why I love my

This is a photo of a Junior Infant at today's Fancy Dress in school.
I am now officially on holidays for the summer. To all the begrudgers.....including Angela, who complain that I should be working, all I'll say is...
"Feck off. Yes, my holidays are the perk of my job. But swop places with me next September when I get a new bunch of 31 prepubescent kids, and tell me I have an easy job!"
 Now I'm off home to put my feet up and open a box of chocolates/bottle of wine that I got as presents.....before they're taken off me too because of new austerity measures!

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

What DO you blame it on?

Today we were singing karaoke during music class.
I'm not entirely sure that's why an interactive white board was set up in my classroom at enormous expense.....but it's great craic!
Someone requested Blame it on the Boogie by the Jackson 5.

I found a video of it on You Tube and it started to play. There was silence for a moment and then an incredulous voice said
"Michael Jackson was BLACK????"
A definite sign of a generation gap.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Fruit or Veg?

During English class today we were working on classifying nouns.
I know, sounds very heavy for the last week of school, but have to keep them busy or they'll go bananas!
"Next one....lettuce, cucumber, tomato?"
It immediately led to the age old argument, is a tomato a fruit or a vegetable?
"It's a fruit because it's got seeds!" was the general concensus.
"So has a cucumber, so is that a fruit?"
I thought for a millisecond, but before I could answer I heard the dulcet tones from the back of the classroom.
Sung to the air of  "You're the one that I want."

They've got seeeeeeds, they're multiplyin'

Oh God, next week can't come half quick enough!

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A load of old cobblers.

I ran into the shoe repair shop yesterday afternoon.
You don't call them "cobblers" anymore, do you?
I was leaving in my "buy a pair, get a man free" pair to be reheeled.
I know I haven't worn them that often, but they have still lasted longer than a lot of my relationships!
I heard the door open and who entered the shop behind me, only Dawn. I will be meeting up with herself and Emma in Mamuthlar in July! Obviously last year's escapades have not put her off Turkey for life!
The two of us looked at each other and simultaneously said
"Hi there. I'm leaving in a pair of shoes to be reheeled for Turkey!"

I hope Mamuthlar is ready for the arrival of some well heeled ladies in July!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

You'd never believe I have a degree in Geography!

It was the morning of the School Tour....and things had not gotten off to a good start.
The previous afternoon I had warned my class to be at the school and ready to go at 8.00am. Woe betide anyone who was late as we would not wait for them.
So why was I booting it towards the school at 8.09am? I had set off in plenty of time but suddenly I slammed on the brakes and squealed
"Feck. I've left the cheque to pay the adventure centre in my other bag."
So I had to do an illegal u-turn in the middle of the road and head back.
As I rounded the corner to the school I had an initial second of exhiliration. The kids were all lined up but there was no sign of the bus.
"Brilliant. I'm not the blame for us taking off late."
To be followed by the realisation.
"Why ISN'T the bus here?"
It eventually arrived and we set off.
We arrived at the East Coast Adventure Centre and the fun began in earnest.
There was a zip line to be navigated from treetop to treetop
which I did. It was brilliant.
And then there was pier jumping 10 feet into freezing choppy water, jet skiis and banana boats, all involving falling into the aforementioned subzero waters
which I certainly DIDN'T do!
I headed to the nearby hotel to get lunch. I was about to tuck into my crepe when another thunderbolt hit me
"What country am I in?"
No, I hadn't been abducted by aliens, my memory wiped and me deposited back down somewhere on Earth. It was just that the adventure centre was near Carlingford but I wasn't sure which side.
If it was the Co.Louth side, then I was still in the Republic and could pay for my lunch in euro. Whereas if it was on the Co.Down side, then I was "up North" with no sterling currency.
I was far too embarrassed to ask anyone such a bimbo question. Another brainwave. How do you get the solution to any problem nowadays?
Why, ask your iphone, of course!
I took mine out and looked at the service provider in the top lefthand corner.
Damn. I have no sterling to pay. Luckily I had my credit card....which is still offering me credit, for the moment at least.
Later as we were heading home on the bus the kids were bursting with excitement over the day.
My idea of hell, but each to their own.
Then the wailing and pleading started.
"PLEASSSSSSE Miss. Can we have tomorrow off?"
"Do we have to go in?"
"You deserve the day off. We're saying you can have it."
"Listen kids. There is nothing I'd like better than to give you tomorrow off. But I'm sure the Minister for Education would have something to say about that."
"Is there NO WAY you can give us the day off?"
I thought for a moment and said
"Well if Ireland beat Spain tonight by two goals, you can take the day off."
A groan of lost hope went up.
 As of the moment, the match hasn't started. All I'll say is, if Ireland perform that miracle, there won't be a person in Ireland at work tomorrow. And Angela Merkel can hump it or lump it!

We continued on our journey home. The pleading started again.
"Miss, please turn on Spin 1038 on the radio." I obliged. A few minutes later the announcer said
"And now a request for the best teacher in the world....Miss Noeleen Lynam!"
There was a cheer from the bus. To say that I got a warm fuzzy feeling all over is an understatement. I'll even overlook the fact that they had requested Justin Bieber's new song for me.
Sometimes the day starts off badly but ascends into Happiness!
Now, come on Ireland!!!

Monday, June 11, 2012

Taking Politicial Correctness to the extreme

The hurling team was leaving class early to go and play a match.  Seeing as they were going to fight for the honour of the school, I let them off homework that night. One of the lads who was left behind, started complaining and asked
"Miss, will we be getting homework?"
"Yes, of course." I replied.
I didn't tell him yet that I was going to give all those remaining, time to do their homework before they went home, so they would be free that night too.
Ah Missssss......" he whined. "That's not fair.  You're're just being.....SPORTIST!"
And a new word is invented.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Eternity clothes

I had a great night out with the girls last night, catching up on all their stories. Susan works in the health service, dealing mainly with the elderly.
She was talking to a lovely little old lady during the week. She was telling her all her news.
"I'm going to my granddaughter's wedding next week."
"Oh that's lovely", replied Susan. "Have you got something nice to wear?"
"Not yet. I can't get anything suitable. It's more important to get the right outfit at my age."
"Oh, why is that?"
"Well I was at my good friend's funeral during the week. And she was buried in the last outfit that she bought."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. Yes I guess that you do have to choose carefully."
"Yes," replied the little old lady. "As I looked down on her, lying in the coffin I thought..........
That outfit would have been perfect for the wedding."

Friday, June 8, 2012

Every little girl's dream?

This story is courtesy of my cousin Fionnuala.
Two little Infant girls were busy colouring in her classroom. One turned to the other, all excited and exclaimed
"My mammy is getting married this weekend!"
The other girl looked totally unimpressed and said
"My mammy said she's sorry she ever got married."
Fionnuala tried to save the situation and said
"Oh I'm sure Mammy didn't mean it. Maybe she was just having a bad day."
"No Miss," the little girl was adamant."She was deadly serious."
I feel her pain!

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Come on Baby, light my fire.

This morning we were watching the journey of the Olympic torch through Dublin. The kids were looking forward in particular to the appearance of Jedward.....for various reasons! Beforehand they were happily coming up with possible scenarios that could happen.

"Miss, what if they start doing cartwheels down O'Connell Street and drop the torch. Will it have to restart from Athens all over again?"
We had an impersonator
"OMG John. That's like, so totally awesome...but dangerous. Mum always told us never to play with fire! So here.......splash, sizzle. Now you're like totes safe, roight?"
But my favourite was
"Miss, why did Jedward fall in the Liffey?"
"I don't know. Why did Jedward fall into the Liffey?"
"Because they went too close to the Waterline!" BOOM.
Ah, you've got to love a pun at that hour of the morning.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Is this not the best excuse EVER?

My friend Anne had organised a BBQ for around 5 o'clock. At half four I found myself having to ring her.
Hi Anne.
Hi Noeleen. Are you on your way?
Eh, no. That's why I'm ringing. I won't get there this evening.
Ah. Why not?
I can't leave the house.
What's wrong.
She was imagining that I had been struck down suddenly with a dose of agoraphobia.
I can't close my front door or it will stick.
Let me explain. I got up early to paint my door at 10am.
That's early for a Bank Holiday.
It said that it would dry in 5 hours. But 6 hours later it's nowhere near dry so I can't close my door. I can't leave or I'll be burgled.
Silence for a moment.
I accept your excuse. There is no way you could have made that up!

So to prove my story, here is the photographic evidence.
My door used to be fire-engine red. According to Chinese tradition a red door is said to bring love and wealth into your house.
That was a load of s#*@

This time I went for Racing Green. Lets hope it lives up to its name.

Mickey Joe is still sitting there but I must admit he looks the worst for wear. I refuse to get rid of him as he is of great sentimental value. I know it's odd to be emotionally attached to a block of wood that gives me nothing in return.
But several of my married friends know what I'm talking about!

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Don't leave me hangin'

I can't believe that it was about this time eight years ago that I returned from Abu Dhabi with a solitary suitcase of clothes. Over the following years those meagre clothes managed to increase and mutate until they eventually took over my house. Tops and dresses in the wardrobe in my room; trousers and skirts in the one in the guest room; coats and jackets in the spare room; handbags taking over the cupboard in the hall; overspill housed up in the attic. I suddenly realised that I was living in a wardrobe that happened to have a kitchen, merely because it came with the house.
Despite this excess I still suffer from every woman's nightmare
I can't go. I have nothing to wear!
So my project over this bank holiday weekend was to channel my inner Gok and declutter all the recently unworn clothes from my life. I had a major moment of guilt when I counted my dresses.
Yes, you read that properly. I had a grand total of 72 dresses, ranging from summer dresses to ballgowns. And might I add, ranging in size from 10 to 14.
There may even have been an odd size 16 in there, but I had cut the labels off.
Obviously, testimony to my career as a serial yo yo dieter.
I was ruthless in my culling. Anything that I hadn't worn in the past two years was thrown out.
No Noeleen. It doesn't fit you. And if you ever do manage to diet back into it, it will be soooo out of fashion.
Many many hours later I had five refuse sacks full of unwanted clothes, ready for St. Vincent de Paul.
Gosh, he'll be so on trend!
I still have clothes in three wardrobes, but they are no longer squashed in. In fact they are colour coded, ranging from brights to darks. I can actually see what's in there and have an outfit fully co-ordinated in seconds!
It was then that I took stock of the now defunct hangers that had been ruthlessly stripped of their clothing.

Mental note to self.
The next time I buy something and the nice shop assistant asks
"And does Madam want to keep the hanger?"
The correct answer is
"NO THANKS! I think I have may have some lying around somewhere!"

Friday, June 1, 2012

Who is the fairest of them all?

I have just been to see Snow White and The Huntsman. I loved it. Of course if anything has something to do with the classics that are the fairy tales, then I am hooked.
The first thing that I was surprised at, was the number of very young children that were in the audience. It had a 12 rating, yet there were a number of six and seven year olds there. Granted they were there with their parents. But still. Its very obvious from the trailers that it is not the bluebird tweeting version that Disney put forward. So I wasn't at all surprised when, after the first couple of minutes sobbing children were withdrawn from the theatre!
Charlize Teron managed to achieve the impossible-she evoked sympathy for the most reviled villain in literature. I would like to say that when I played the part of the Wicked stepmother in Leixlip Musical and Variety Group's 2008 panto, I too brought another dimension to the character....but I'd be lying!!!
It was panto for God's sake. What do you expect???
I was playing the part of an older woman who was losing her looks and ripped apart with jealousy for younger beautiful competitor. I mean I had nothing to work with!!!
Having gone through my photos from that show I am amazed at the similarity between myself and Charlize.

Practically separated at birth!
If that hasn't frightened the bejayus out of you, here is a clip of me in action