Friday, May 25, 2012

Making sweet music

There was a student teacher in my class for teaching practise. One day she took a phone call for me.
"Noeleen, the accordion people rang and said they will be here on Friday to take your class."
WHAT???? When was it decided that my kids were going to learn the accordion?
...........And the ACCORDION of all things, for God's sake!
Where are they all going to get accordions by Friday?
At break time I accosted my principal.
"What are you talking about Noeleen?" he said incredulously. "The ACCORD people are coming on Friday. You know, the Relationship and Sexuality group. They are giving the sex education talk to Sixth class!"
Well that made a lot more sense.

Suddenly a cold shiver of horror ran down my spine. What if I still thought they were standing at my classroom door ready to teach the accordion, and had said to them
"Oh, they don't all have their instruments yet. Maybe just teach them the fingering until they do."

Friday, May 18, 2012

What I have in common with Dolly Parton!

Can't believe it's that time of the year again....Baconsvision!
It's our take on the Eurovision.  Each group represents a European country. They can take the air of a song but they have to change the lyrics completely. It leads to some every interesting and entertaining compositions.
Today we had Michael O'Leary, representing the Ukraine singing all about "RyanAir" to the air of Ireland's Call.
Estonia were singing all about our woes.
"Now I have less money
Than my Dad has hair.
I blew more mulah
than Bertie Ahern."
I foresee a satirical career on Gift Grub!

But my favourite has to be that Dolly Parton classic, Jolene.


Noeleen, Noeleen, Noeleen, No-leen
Will you listen to our song if you ca-a-an.

We promise when we leave this school
We want to be so bright and cool
You taught us not to act the fool

Your brains they are beyond compare
And covered with your golden hair
And you always taught us fair

Your music's like a breath of air
We're not allowed upon your chair
But we've our own, so we don't care

Your exam answers we like to keep
And we like your car with its little beep
But we would rather have a jeep

All together now........

Thursday, May 17, 2012

For the week that was in it......

A Prayer for the Stressed

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies I had to kill today
Because they p****d me off.

 Help me to be careful of the toes I step on today
As they may be connected to the ass I have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Friday

And help me to remember.....
When I am having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are really trying to annoy me,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown
And only 4 to extend my arm and smack him/her in the face.


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

A Nobel cause

We were discussing the genius that was Alfred Nobel in class today. I was explaining that he invented dynamite for the purpose of improving mining and building. He was horrified when he discovered that it was being misused and was causing untold destruction.  In order to rectify this, in his will he left his enormous wealth to setting up the Nobel Prizes.
He hoped that it would encourage and inspire people to strive for peace and harmony in the world.
I thought I was getting the message across that love and unity is the way to go, when one of my bright sparks sighed deeply and said, with a perfectly straight face
"Miss, I'd kill to win the Nobel Peace Prize."
Back to the drawing board then!"

Monday, May 7, 2012

Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day

Saturday evening was spent mowing my lawn.
God, is it that time of the year again!
I was halfway through it, when the rain started to fall. I had to abandon ship.
Sunday morning lived up to its name and so I went out to finish the job. As I was almost finished I espied my neighbour coming out to hang out her washing. Mary is the loveliest little old lady that you could ever meet. I stopped the lawnmower so we could have a chat.
"Oh, dear. I'm all confused with it being a Bank Holiday weekend," she started. "I had the washing done when I realised that it was the Sabbath day and here I am hanging out the clothes."
I cast a guilty glance at my lawnmower.
"Well, it's like this Mary. If we end up in Hell, I hope it's for something a damn sight more decadent than mowing the lawn or hanging out clothes on a Sunday. Anyway, it's all God's fault."
"Oh God bless us and save us. Why do you say that?"
"Well, He caused it to rain yesterday so I couldn't finish the job on time. So if  He didn't want me to break the Sabbath he should have either
a) kept the sun shining
b) sent me a fine strapping man to do the job for me.
And God, if you're listening, can you make it the latter, pleeeeease!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Make mine a double.

I was comatosed on my couch last Friday evening, indulging in my secret pleasure....Glee! As I was watching Kurt, played by the actor Chris Colfer, I was wracking my brains trying to think of who he reminded me of. You know that awful feeling when something is at the front of your brain but refuses to come out. Then you can't concentrate on anything else for the rest of the night and it does your head in!
Suddenly,bam,it hit me.

Now wait a minute before you sneer at me and call me delusional. I don't mean Bono today, I mean a young Bono.
Check this out and tell me if I'm wrong.


See! I'm right, aren't I???

Friday, May 4, 2012

Megan is heading in the right direction.

My sister Geraldine, complete with grandaughter Megan, were in the Greville Arms in Mullingar today, having a cuppa. She got talking to two women that she knew, who just happened to be Niall Horan's Mammy and Granny. Suddenly a frission of excitement swept through the restaurant and who should appear, only the man/boy himself.......NIALL! Fresh from his conquest of America and Australia.

Down he sat and of course, before he knew where he was, Megan was plonked on his knee and cameras were produced. Fair dues to him, he oooed and ahhed over her, like a politician on the eve of a general election.
Megan looks totally unimpressed. But I'm sure she'll appreciate it in a few years.

She may be only 15 months but she is already outdoing me in the man-snaring game. The best I could do was a cardboard cutout!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

BGT....Baconstown's Got Talent!

One of life's great mysteries is the sex appeal of one Mr Simon Cowell. What is it about his perma-tanned botoxed face that makes women weak at the knees and grown men sniffle and weep?
I believe it is the power that he exerts over people's future that makes people fawn at his feet.

I had a taste of his lifestyle today.
Holy Communion cermony will be held at the end of the month.  I am in charge of the choir. Today I announced that I would be holding auditions for some solo parts over the next few days. My class were unphased by this news. The fact  that my class is made up mainly of  boys who are entering the phase of breaking voices, means that singing is very low on their agenda. Not so with the younger classes.
I was on yard duty and every corner I went around I was greeted with cries of
"Hello, Ms. Noeleen,"
"I like your shoes."
"You look lovely today."
Ah bless. You are never too young to engage in a bit of grovelling!