Showtime has started. We are taking part in the All-Ireland Drama festivals with "Tom and Viv", which involves travelling the length and breadth of Ireland. There is only one teenie tweenie problem. I have the world's worst sense of direction. I can usually find a place....after a slight detour or two. But I invariably get lost on the way home. This called for drastic measures. So I called on my niece, Emma for the loan of her sat nav.
"Of course you can. Sylvia Sat Nav will get you there and back in one piece."
See, anthropomorphism runs in the family. It speaks, therefore it's animate!
Off we set and for the first part of the journey things were fine between us. We were on the M50 and Slyvia announced
"Please proceed for 18.6km and then turn right."
Now we're cruising. Oh wait. There's Blanchardstown Shopping Centre. I'll just pop in for a minute.
I indicated and moved off the motorway. Sylvia, who had thought she was on a break, jumped into action.
"Recalculating. In 250 metres turn right."
I ignored that instruction. There were shops beckoning me.
"Recalculating. At the next roundabout take the third exit.
But there wasn't even a roundabout. There were lots of junctions and traffic lights. Obviously Sylvia was getting a little confused.
I kept going straight.
"Recalculating. Recalculating." Definitely an octave higher!
"As soon as possible make a u-turn. Make a u-turn. Dam you."
Are you havin' a laugh? There are four lanes of traffic. A u-turn??
I pulled into the car park and switched Sylvia off before she could berate me for spending money I don't have.
Who needs a husband when you have sat nav?
Some time later I returned to my car and continued on my journey. Sylvia had regained her composure and announced calmly.
"Proceed for the next 13.8 km and then turn right."
She got me there and back without any further hiccups.
Sat Nav is great but I know what would make it better. How about one especially for shopaholics?
"Proceed for the next 19.5km to your destination. However may I recommend that you make a detour to the left where Debenhams are having a sale and happen to have the perfect pair of shoes to go with your new dress."
And one day I'm sure it will happen!